I want to start this with a disclaimer that it might be triggering for some folks, so use your own discretion if you want to/should continue reading.
There have been times in my life when I have contemplated suicide as a viable option. And not all of those times I would have considered myself depressed in the usual, societal view of depression. I think this is often why suicide can be a confusing thing for people. It doesn’t always go hand-in-hand with what society at large considers ‘typical depression symptoms’, as highlighted by a number of suicides by seemingly highly functioning, happy people. Not all depression looks the same. And depression and suicide aren’t always linked.
Honestly, at many of those times in my life, I wouldn’t have considered myself depressed at all. Overwhelmed for sure, but not depressed. For example, the first time I seriously contemplated suicide, I was under incredible pressure at work, but I was also knocking it out of the park. I was in a very healthy relationship (I wound up marrying the guy, and we’re still together 12 years later). We had just moved in together and it was actually going really well. I was in pain all the time from the car accident injuries, but that was nothing new. By that point I was pretty used to it and had made a lot of progress.
There were other things happening in the background, however. The things I didn’t talk about easily around the water cooler – the Nortel crash had just happened, for instance, and that whole sector had been a major customer of the family business, so the company my siblings and I had counted on as a constant in our lives was suddenly disappearing before our eyes and there was very little we could do to stop it. My parents had separated a few years before and they were not at all getting along. My youngest brother was in the hospital in another city and I was driving my mom and sister back and forth to visit him as often as I could. My other brother was in University in Sudbury and had started a painting business and we were driving back and forth many weekends to help him with that.
I had no idea how to cope with all of it. I think that was the biggest underlying factor. I was constantly being batted back and forth from one extreme, pressure cooker situation to the next and felt intense pressure to try to hold everyone else together during some pretty huge life-transition events. For all intents and purposes, looking at me from the outside, you’d have told me I was doing remarkably well. But inside, I was a constant swirling mess of emotions I had no experience or capacity dealing with.
The thing that got me through that time was telling myself that, at the end of the day, if it got bad enough, I could always hang myself. That was my ‘happy thought’ at the end of the day. And it genuinely was a happy thought. Considering that I had an ‘out’ from all of the intensity actually filled me with a kind of calm, detached peace that allowed me to tough it out for another day. It was the first time in my life that the thought of suicide didn’t feel like the ‘wrong’ choice. It felt like a genuine alternative to having to endure all of the awfulness happening in my life.
Now, in hindsight, this was actually an incredibly dangerous and unhealthy place to be, mentally. And at some point I realized it and brought it up with my then-boyfriend-now-husband as we were driving home one night.
“Something has really got to change, because my happy thought at the end of the day has been that at least I can always kill myself if this gets much worse,” I told him, rather matter-of-fact.
To his credit, and one of the reasons that I love that man, my words didn’t phase him. “Okay,” he said, “then lets make some changes.”
That was when we started our plan to move to Nova Scotia.
This article in Psychology Today talks about suicide as a breakdown in the meaning system of the suicidal person that narrows their perspective and focus, so that the only way they know to solve their problems is through taking their lives. It can also be one way to reassert a sense of freedom over the limitations that people feel in the choices they have left available to them in life. Whatever is happening that has shut down their ability to see other possibilities, suicidal people are essentially saying, "Choosing when I die is the one possibility that is still within my control."
This is why I have some issues with the general take on Suicide Prevention – it can be very ‘victim blaming’. If suicide is a breakdown in that person’s ability to see another way out of whatever circumstances that they are in, then rather than approaching these conversations from a place of ‘you, as the suicidal person, are depressed and unable to cope with these circumstances’ – why aren’t we looking at the, often times horrendous, life circumstances that that person is in and putting that blame back where it belongs – on the awful life circumstances? We put the onus on the person dealing with some generally pretty awful and difficult life sh*t to not only have to navigate that life sh*t by themselves, but also the medical system and the mental health systems – which, lets face it, are also kind of hard-up right now themselves. Why can’t the conversation be, ‘wow, that is a lot to be dealing with right now. So how can we as a healthcare system and a society better support you while you go through the turmoils of life, and/or change as a system and society so that you don’t have to go through these kinds of circumstances at all?’
Now, don’t get me wrong – depression is a real and genuine medical condition that often leads to suicide. In no way am I trying to say that that’s not a genuine factor in suicide and something that absolutely needs to be addressed in suicide prevention. But with the current epidemic of suicide, I think it’s irresponsible to assume that that’s the only factor at play here, otherwise we’d be better at treating it. And if a large part of suicide stems from a feeling of loss of control or options, then having depression be the main go to answer – I feel like this might be limiting to some people experiencing suicidal thoughts who might not otherwise think of themselves as having depression and therefore might not seek help.
Research shows that talking about suicide does not increase the likelihood of a suicidal person actually committing suicide, so having these conversations is incredibly important. Maybe if it was a much more normal thing to gauge where we are and how we’re coping in life by including conversation around thoughts of suicide as an indicator that something in our life could use some tweaking – either physically, situationally, emotionally, in our relationships or career, etc. – then we’d be better able to discuss options of changes we could make to better support ourselves and find the resources to help navigate whatever it is we’re facing early on rather than it becoming something that is so overwhelming and seemingly hopeless that suicide becomes a genuine option. I, for one, have learned that if ever I get to a place where suicide pops up on my list of options for dealing with my current circumstances then it’s time to make some serious changes to my life. But not everyone knows what changes to make or how to make them. This is where we can better support people who are thinking of suicide. But to do that, we as people need to take some responsibility to help them make those changes.
So, what can you do if someone tells you that they are thinking of suicide or you suspect that they might be suicidal?
Luckily, there are some great resources. Crisis Services Canada. Canadian Mental Health Association. The Lifeline Canada Foundation.
Here are some specific steps you can take:
Ask – Ask them about what’s going on in their life.
Listen – Don’t jump in and try to ‘fix it’, genuinely listen. This can be hard, especially if you’re a helper. I can be terrible at this sometimes. But sometimes people just need to be able to say the things to someone who cares.
Get Support – Direct them to support resources. But don’t just leave them to do it by themselves. Stay with them or take them to support services. A crisis line is a good place to start. The Canada Suicide Prevention Service is available 24/7 at 1-833-456-4566. For Nova Scotia, the mobile mental health crisis hotline is 902-429-8167 or 1-888-429-8167 (toll free). If the situation is an emergency, call 911.
If they have a doctor or other mental health service provider, it’s important that they make an appointment and tell their service provider about any thoughts of suicide they may have been having. Depending on your relationship, you can offer to help by scheduling the appointments or by taking them to their appointments. They may also be able to access services through their school, workplace, cultural or faith community.
Also remember that supporting someone through a difficult time can be hard on yourself as well, so it’s important to take care of your own mental health during this time and seek support too.
We as a society need to rethink how we support each other in life. These conversations are important. And it’s incredibly important to remember that you’re not alone. There are people who want to and can help. We just have to have the courage to start speaking up.
Till next time, Folks!