This time of year can be stressful for many folks. Even at the best of times, the holidays can still mean long lines, travel, big personalities all under one roof, and having to deal with lots of stressed out and overwhelmed people. At the worst, you have to deal with the loss of a loved one, an illness or injury, job loss, any number of horrible things on top of the pressure of the holidays and still trying to ensure a happy memory for kids and family. It can be a lot.
Making sure you take care of your own physical and mental health through the holidays can sometimes seem impossible. I find self-care works best when you have a plan, so making sure you have thought about ways to navigate stressful situations and overwhelm in advance can be the difference between enjoying the holidays and wishing for them to be over. You can read my post on creating self-care plans here to give you a bit of background.
When it comes to planning self-care for the holidays, it can be useful to remember that as stressful as the holidays are, they are short-term, repeating events. Meaning, no matter how great or badly this one goes you’ll have another one in a year so whatever doesn’t go great this time around you can try changing up next year.
If you can reframe the holidays as a repeating pattern, something that happens once a year for multiple years, you can see how you can tweek the experience from year to year into something that works best for you. This can take the pressure off each individual holiday having to be perfect and instead aims for an overall theme that highlights the aspects of the holidays that are most important to you. For example, if you enjoy the togetherness of family and friends but you have a perfectionism around decorating that creates more stress than joy, then maybe you can let the pressure of having to decorate slide and instead do get-togethers at someone else’s house. Or maybe the decorating, music and overall mood of the season brings you great joy, but you find get-togethers stressful, then make sure to plan lots of time at home enjoying the efforts of your hard work and schedule fewer events with others. When you know what you’re aiming to create, it makes it easier to create the experience that will bring you the most joy year-to-year.
Coming up with a plan ahead of time for self-care through the holidays really is about helping to free yourself from the burden of worrying about how things are going to go so that you’ll be able to enjoy the experience. Stress tends to come from trying to make reality match your expectations. The more you can practice accepting what is instead of trying to make it be what you want it to be, the more enjoyment you tend to get from the experience. That said, the human brain doesn’t like not being able to predict outcomes so having a plan in place can help that part of your brain chill out so you can focus on having fun. And sometimes, just having built in things to look forward to can do wonders for helping you cope with the awkward or stressful parts. Have to do an office party you’d rather not? Make sure to book yourself some friend time afterwards so that you can relay the ridiculousness to them. Have a Trump-loving aunt coming to family dinner and you are a die-hard socialist vegan? Prepare a couple of friends ahead of time so you can live-text the stuff she says rather than feel compelled to engage in a political argument at the dinner table (don’t text at the table, take frequent bathroom breaks instead). When you know ahead of time that no matter what happens, you’ll get to tell the stories to your friends afterwards, it reframes the experience. Now it’s no longer something you have to endure, it’s something you are actively engaged in because the more ridiculous the story the better! You get friend bonding social time and it takes the sting out of whatever awkward, intolerant, or awful thing that might come up.
So, what are some ways you can include self-care during the holidays?
Know your weaknesses. Be honest about what stresses you out and how you tend to respond. This way, you can guide your natural tendencies towards behaviours that are helpful and easier on yourself and those around you. For example, do you tend to be a control freak or perfectionist when stressed? That’s cool. Sometimes we cope with situations we feel like we can’t control by controlling as many details as we can. If that’s you, you might find it helpful to try to decide beforehand on the things you can give yourself as helpful ‘these things I can control as much as I want/need to as stress relief and they won’t drive everyone else nuts’ things as part of your planning. I find things like wrapping presents or writing pretty cards to be therapeutic that way – they give you something easy that you can put your stress into, scratch that ‘control’ itch in your brain because you have complete control over how that turns out, and they don’t involve accidentally negatively impacting those around you because it’s a solo activity. Plus, it can give you some much needed ‘alone’ time because you can sequester yourself in a room guilt-free being productive and everyone understands the secrecy involved around present wrapping so they tend to honour it.
Stay engaged. Doing your best to stay present and engaged is really all anyone needs from you. People will forgive imperfect decorating, unwrapped presents, even lackluster holiday treats as long as you are genuinely engaging with them rather than being a stress-bucket about all of those things. I read a meme the other day about how the first Christmas was pretty simple so don’t feel bad if yours is too. After all, the holidays are really just an excuse to spend time with the people you love. Anything extra is bonus. I find it easiest to do this when you remember to:
Be grateful. Research shows that taking the time to write down at least 3 things you are grateful for daily for as little as one week can have a lasting impact on improving your overall mood, outlook, connection to others, even immunity and physical well-being. Try starting a Holiday Gratitude Journal to write down the things that you are grateful for between now and the New Year. Remembering to practice gratitude can really make all the difference between wanting to punch Trump-loving aunt in the face and remembering all of the awesome times you had with her when you were growing up. People are people. They will all have things that drive us nuts. That doesn’t mean we stop loving them. When people don’t match our expectations for what we want them to be, it’s easy to blame them, leading to anger and resentment. But they don’t owe us anything. And you know how awful it feels to have someone you love judge you for your beliefs or personality quirks? Maybe don’t do that to them. This leads me to:
Practice unconditional love. That IS the spirit of this particular holiday, after all. You don’t have to agree with people to accept them. And sometimes asking non-judgmental questions about why they believe what they believe from a place of wanting to understand can really help you to stay engaged and learn a lot about how that person became who they are. Everyone’s got stories we don’t know. Before you judge someone, find out what options they have to chose from for deciding what to believe. You can’t know what you don’t know until you know it, after all. And most people generally operate from a place of wanting to make the best choice for themselves and the people they love. The more opposition they face for their beliefs, the harder they’ll hold on to them. Now, that said:
Pick your battles. Family dinner may not be the best time to address old wounds, political beliefs, pretty much anything, really. You have all year to argue. Sometimes just appreciating people for who they are instead of making it your personal mission to convert them to whatever it is you believe is the way to ensure a harmonious few hours.
Take lots of breaks. This is really the key. Everyone gets on each other’s nerves, given enough time in close proximity. Give yourself permission to plan lots of errands, bathroom breaks, present wrapping time, whatever you can come up with. An easy out is to take a 10 or 20 minute walk. The exercise will help boost your mood and it’s a healthy way of giving yourself a time-out from all the chaos.
Know your limits. Be they food choices, how much money you spend on presents, or the amount of alcohol you consume, know where your line is and stay far from it. Everyone has that uncle or cousin who gets hammered and says inappropriate things at dinner – if that person is you, maybe don’t do that this year?
Reach out. This time of year is tough for a lot of folks. If you need support, ask.
Be kind. There will likely be people who reach their limit and blow up or melt down. The thing that makes that worse is unkind people. Some folks are dealing with illnesses or death of loved ones, looming financial disasters, failing out of school, any number of awful things. Defensiveness and irritability are to be expected. A little bit of kindness can go a long way.
Now, that said, if you are dealing with a loss, horrible event, or have a loved one who may not be around in a year and you’re feeling intense pressure to make this holiday season memorable for all involved, well, that’s definitely a hard one. You just get through that one the best you can. Thinking about the Holidays from a repeating pattern perspective can take some of the pressure off that as well. Regardless of how this one goes, you get another one next year. And if you’re dealing with it being a loved one’s last, this one will be memorable just for the simple fact that it’s your loved one’s last, so don’t forget to enjoy the time you have and don’t get lost in the details of the preparations (unless you need the details as a coping mechanism, then fill yer boots. You do you and cope the best you can). You can worry about making a plan for next year. After all, the holidays happen every year. No matter what happens, you’ll get another shot at it.