So, now that we understand what’s happening with our survival responses, what do we actually do with that?
This post is going to focus on some practical steps you can take right now to calm the f-train down as well as some longer term suggestions.
Now, I want to make it clear that my area of expertise with this subject is the physical treatment of and neural re-patterning of the nervous system post-trauma. My suggestions here are in no way a substitute for seeking the advice and services of mental healthcare. I often work in conjunction with your psychologist or trauma counsellor during this process. Both kinds of treatment are required - the physical and the psychological - when recovering from traumatic events. That said, I have patients who have had to call anywhere between 20-40 places to find someone currently taking clients and their appointments are still months away, so, these suggestions are designed to help get you through the wait-period, and not intended for sole-sourced long-term advice.
I am going to give some resources for mental health crisis access here:
If this is an emergency, or if you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call the Provincial Mental Health Crisis Line toll-free at 1-888-429-8167 or call 911. Or go to your nearest hospital or emergency department.
Otherwise:
https://novascotia.ca/mental-health-and-wellbeing/
https://www.canada.ca/en/public-health/services/mental-health-services/mental-health-get-help.html
Again - I, and this advice, are no substitute for your long-term mental healthcare needs. So be responsible with it and take it for what it is - short-term interventions to reduce the stimulation of your nervous system to help bring you back out of the short-term phase of Survival Mode so you don’t lose you sh*t on the people around you in ways you can’t take back. You’ll still have the long-term phase to deal with, however, so will need some help to navigate that correctly. And, if you are a support structure person for someone currently in Survival Mode, I’ll have some suggestions for you as well to help them through this process.
Trauma may make us all assholes, but we also have a responsibility to try real hard not to be. Trauma doesn’t give you an excuse to be a jerk. It is more understandable that your nervous system is in hyper-drive right now, but you still have a responsibility to develop better coping strategies and preventative self-care processes to help keep it under control.
So, with that said, here is how we go about bringing your nervous system back down from the brink. Our main goals are to convince your nervous system that it’s safe now and decrease the number of neuronal inputs that are over-firing to try to calm the system.
Remember back in post 2 when I talked about that state of hyper-vigilance? It is an actual physiological state of over-activation of the nervous system. What that means is it takes fewer neurons firing to put your system into fight/flight/freeze mode. It means that it will take a much smaller stressor to get you to the point of snapping. So, we’re going to try to take some pressure off of that system.
Ideally, there would be some in-person appointments with a rehabilitation therapist or manual osteopath to help reduce the number of neurons over-firing about physical things - this is why our injuries ‘flare up’ when we’re stressed, and why that makes us even crankier. Acetaminophen has been shown to have anxiety relieving effects because of this mechanism. Physical injuries, or underlying alignment issues, can be contributing to ‘holding’ you in this kind of feedback loop.
I’m sure by now you’ve heard the phrase that ‘trauma is stored in the tissues’? Lots of manual therapists, be it massage, somatics, even acupuncture, talk about ‘releasing trauma patterns from the body’. This is actually a whole other post to get an understanding of what they mean and what they’re doing (or attempting to do), but basically it’s to try to help break this feedback loop where tensions in the tissues are being over-amplified by a hyped up nervous system, leading to more tensions in the tissues, which leads to more over-firing of the nervous system… You get the idea. This hyper-vigilance can happen to a specific body part - say, a broken leg where you’re still having muscle cramps even though the bone itself has long since healed - or in the overall system as a whole. Often both are true.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The point is, you want to try to limit the amount of over-stimulation. That’s why, in my first post, I told you to focus on creating a nice calm, safe space for yourself that you can retreat to. So even if you can’t get in to see a manual therapist, we can still limit the amount of stimulation on your nervous system.
So, first up - you need a ‘hide box’.
When we do experiments with mammals to try to induce an anxious state, we throw them in a big open space and see what they do. Depending on how much stress we want to induce, or what kinds of things we’re measuring, we can give them a ‘hide box’ that they can go to hide in and feel safe, and then time how long it takes for them to come back out.
This is actually SUPER important for our nervous systems for deactivating Survival Mode - the ability to retreat and regroup. In my next post I’ll discuss why that is, but this felt more important to cover first.
Combine that with a focus on reducing nervous system input - dim lights, non-restrictive clothing, warm, comfy blankets, a TV show or movie you know super well so you can predict the outcome - preferably something light-hearted and fun (nothing suspenseful or anything you haven’t seen before), the point is to turn your brain off. If you go in there to try to meditate, you’re more likely to just swirl around in your panic. Quiet won’t be helpful. Also, eat something - hunger is a nervous system stressor. Carbs are okay right now.* Pasta, potatoes, ice cream, cookies - whatever thing is your ‘good mood comfort food’. We all have one.
*A note on this - eating your feelings is also not a good long term solution. But, much like when you’re recovering from an injury, recovering from Survival Mode requires specific nutrition, and carbs are a part of what it needs. Be okay with putting on a few pounds right now. We can take them off later when you’re out of crisis. Remember that this is to be balanced with getting outside and getting some exercise once you’re out of the short-term phase of Survival Mode.
You’re going to stay in that room until you fall asleep, cry your face off, or otherwise come down enough that you don’t feel like raging out at everyone.
This is your new safe space, and it has certain boundaries. Make if off limits to anyone else in the house, especially when you’re in there. Create that space for yourself in your life.
Then, you’re going to do all the usual Stress Response Plan stuff - get outside and go for a walk. Journal. Get together with supportive friends. Here’s the trick though - you will leave those things when you want to and after each of them, you’re going to go back to your Hide Box. After pretty much anything, you’re going to go back to your Hide Box.
We’re training your nervous system to recognize that it has an escape and recover route, so it doesn’t need to panic and switch back to short-term Survival Mode. This is important for your nervous system’s ability to eventually leave Survival Mode altogether. Remember in my last post when I said that if you start a new short-term phase you’re setting up a new ‘rest potential’? I’m going to talk more about this in the next post, but it’s super important that you don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can just keep repeating the short-term phase, or mistake leaving the short-term phase for leaving Survival Mode altogether. Your nervous system will eventually just shut you down or go waaaaaaaay too far. We often refer to these states as ‘Burn Out’ or ‘Break Down’. Getting out of Survival Mode genuinely requires some guidance and support to do correctly so that you don’t set yourself up for chronic problems later.
Recognize that you’re in this for the long haul. This isn’t going to be as simple as joining a yoga class and suddenly you’re all better. Remember that the long-term phase of Survival Mode can sometimes last years. When you shut off the short-term phase, that’s going to click you into the long-term phase - you will experience a wonderful upswing where life seems great for a while. But there WILL be a crash where you actually have to heal all this stuff. What you want to focus on is getting your coping skills ready during the up-phase so that when that inevitably happens, you’re ready and it doesn’t totally disrupt your life. Get a plan together - who are the people you’ll reach out to for help, both professional and personal? Can you take time off work? What are the resources available in your area for support? The key to a good Survival Mode rehabilitation is recognizing that you’re still in it even when you don’t think you are and planning for the crash phase even when you don’t think you’ll need it.
For The Support People
I used to make the mistake of assuming that someone’s anger - even when directed at me - was about me.
Here’s the thing about anger - it’s almost never about you. Even if you screwed something up. There’s no reason that screw up can’t be handled calmly and respectfully. If someone’s blowing up at you, it’s either because you’re a perceived threat, or you’re a safe target to throw at the threat.
Anger is just the active form of fear, remember. If someone is responding with anger, it’s really just those two main survival modes that it comes out as - attack the threat directly, or attack the safest/weakest thing around that you can throw at the threat to increase your odds of getting away. Sure, people will justify it with whatever the current situation is, but biologically, anger is super simple. Actually, there’s the third one - cornered wounded animal who entered recovery mode and you’re the sap who happened upon it at the wrong time. It’s still technically just attacking the threat directly, but it’s a slightly different motivation.
Point is, if you’re trying to support someone you love right now who’s in Survival Mode, the best advice I can give you is this - it’s not about you. Get over whatever thing you think this is about and focus on the biology of it. I get it, yes, their anger seems unjustified. It has now hurt your feelings because you feel like you didn’t deserve it. I get it. You know what’s not going to help this situation? You getting angry and lashing out from your own Survival Mode.
Yes, you don’t deserve to be treated poorly. Set your boundaries. But then get over yourself and either help or get out of the way. Getting mad about them getting mad isn’t helpful right now.
What is helpful right now? I’m so glad you asked!
Where are YOU emotionally right now? If you aren’t the person for the job because of your own stuff, be upfront about it. You can direct them to better resources, but it’s also totally fair to just bow out.
Remember that anger is just fear. So what is this person afraid of? What are they being confronted with? How can you de-escalate the situation? This does NOT mean make excuses for their behaviour. We can deal with that later. But getting all up in someone’s face right now, when everyone is so on edge, is just a recipe for disaster. Listen to them, hear what they’re saying behind whatever it is they’re yelling about, stay firm in your boundaries, and try to get them talking about what’s stressing them out in life in general. Often, whatever thing someone is angry about is just the last straw. I once had a lady yell at me for 20 minutes for asking how her day was going when she walked in for her appointment. None of that was about me. My office was just the first safe space she had been in that day and all of the pent up fear finally had a chance to release. We actually wound up having a really great conversation and she realized that she had to leave her work environment. If I’d taken it personally, it could have ended VERY differently. She’s doing GREAT now, by the way.
Get outside professional help. You should not be the sole source of this. Becoming the person that this person learns to vent their anger out on is also a recipe for disaster. They need to be directed to professional services, which I also realize are super hard to access right now. Go back to the top of this post for the links to crisis services. Use them. Get on waitlists now. Don’t go this alone.
Boundaries! Don’t make excuses for their behaviour. Don’t enable. Set boundaries, but do so gently and at the appropriate times. Don’t fight with someone who’s clearly on edge and already aggressive. Just leave the situation and make it clear that you will talk again once they’ve calmed down.
It will sound wrong, but think of it like a toddler having a tantrum, because that’s all it is. Our nervous system is doing the exact same thing. It’s over-stimulated and it needs to be calmed but not fussed over. Set up a time out routine and stick to it. For both of you. And then later discuss the what’s and why’s and how’s.
Survival Mode is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. If you are in an abusive situation, and you need help: https://www.nsdomesticviolence.ca
The main take away for supporting someone through this kind of recovery is to let the person withdraw when they need to. Allow them that space to recover. Don’t get all up in their faces about it. I know it can be frustrating, but use the time to focus on you too. The frustration comes from seeing someone else focus on meeting their needs when you aren’t meeting your own. So set up child care, time off work, a cleaning lady, enlist friends to help, whatever you need to support you too. You’re going to need your own supports when supporting someone through something like this. If you go back to the resources I posted at the top of this post, there are sections in there for the folks supporting loved ones dealing with mental health issues. Your own mental health needs are important too. Make sure you’re taking the time and creating the space to support yourself as well.
Make Time For Fun
It can be so easy to get lost in all of the things that make us angry, to focus on who is doing or not doing something, what needs aren’t being met, what we should be doing for ourselves or not doing, etc., etc..
Make sure that you’re including time for fun in your recovery plans. Making time for fun things in your life soothes a lot of hurts. Focus on good friends and doing fun things and watch how fast everything else seems much more manageable. Get creative. Express yourself through creative means - join a dance class, or get some painting supplies. Whatever. Just get your ‘expression through creativity’ side going for a healthy outlet. Get out in nature. Take a few days off work and book a hotel room. Bring a little joy back into your life. It will help to make the stuff that’s actually stressing you out a lot more clear. Be prepared that you may have to make some long-term changes to your life - your job, friends, living situation - but all of those things will be a lot easier and more manageable if you’re remembering to have some fun in the meantime.
As always, drop me a line if you’ve got questions! There’s still one more post in this series and then I’m going to move on to some other things folks have been asking me to write about. Thank you to everyone who has been following along! This has been my most read series so far and I’ve been getting some great feedback, so thank you all!
Till next time, folks!